THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE MARRIAGE

Some things to consider before marriage and issues related to marriage and divorce.  7 July 2016 International leaders message Compiled by Minister Pauline Burthwick of Releasing Destiny World Wide info@releasingdestinyworldwide.org  +1.701.371.7720  print pages 1-13 for all info

Dear Pastors and Leaders,

For many of you who are already married, this message comes too late.  However, this is a good message to share with your youth or for you to read and understand and follow if you have not been married yet.  Choosing the right partner is so important for those who are Christians and know that they are called by God.  I realize that for those of you in some countries this does not necessarily apply as your traditions have your parents choosing your life mate – perhaps you can give this to the parents so that they can use this as a guideline in making their choices. 

Young people experience the lack of wisdom in these matters as well as significant peer pressure to get married.  Sometimes this pressure also comes from the parents.  If you are called as a pastor, I know too that there are several kinds of pressures put on pastors by RELIGIOUS RULES made by man.  Sometimes these rules are made with the assumption that they are protecting people.  HOWEVER, FOR A PERSON CALLED BY GOD TO BUCKLE TO THE PRESSURE OF OTHERS AND GET MARRIED TO PLEASE THE MADE UP RULES OF MAN OR SOCIETY OR RELIGION THERE IS GREAT DANGER AHEAD.  OR you may be someone who is called by God and you are divorced – there will be people who will tell you that God won’t be able to use you if you are divorced.  THIS IS RELIGIOUS GARBAGE TALK.  You may have some issues to work out with the Lord, but if He has called you and you purify yourself, He is set to use you.  If you have a failed marriage, you need inner healing and deliverance before you would ever get into other relationships – this is to avoid the problems from the past.

Now, mind you, as you are waiting, you need to avoid unholy intimacy with people in order to not become involved with sin.  And Satan will likely send someone to you to try and trap you into pre-marital sex.  If this has happened, you need to stop and ask God for forgiveness and also the other person you have been with.  You need to deal with homosexual tendencies, adultery, fornication, lust, anger, violence, abuse in you through inner healing and deliverance if you are finding you struggle with sin and these things. Yeshua Jesus came to live a life and show us what is possible in our humanity by cooperation with the Holy Spirit and satan had nothing in Him and it is possible for us to also get to that point but we must deal with these things.  We must overcome these things.

This whole topic is a minefield and I do not want to get into all the aspects of it really but let us start with trying to teach others a good way forward who have not already jumped into the fire of marriage and let us treat those with marital issues with understanding, prayer, compassion and concern, and be part of the CHANGE AGENT in the CHURCH and SOCIETY where we have influence. 

https://wabwire.com/2016/07/02/22-questions-to-ask-before-saying-i-do/

By Emmanuel Wabwire

The Bible says that, “a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22. But we must understand that the finding is a process and it is a serious task. This process involves seeking and elimination. It takes time and energy. Ignorance of what this process involves is what makes many singles sad and discouraged or rush into mis-matched marriages.

The truth is, finding just any type of life partner is easy; you can pick anyone off the street and go to the altar with her/him. But the heart-breaks and rejections from failed relationships are not easy at all. If you must find that one who would do you good, that one who is tailor-made by God to fit you, then you must invest time, even if it means waiting for some time. After all, the Bible says, “a virtuous woman, who can find?” Proverbs 31:10. This indicates that finding a good person, whether a man or woman does not come easy – you have to search diligently for them.

Experiencing a long delay before marriage is not a bed of roses, neither is it easy to keep waiting when all your peers, friends and younger siblings are all getting married. I sincerely do sympathize with my fellow peers going through all of this, but it is better to suffer some pains now than be sorry in marriage. You need to be patient and never hurry. Based on my observations and experience in my parents’ marriage alongside others, I can safely say that ten broken relationships are far better than one divorce. You’ve got to take time and get it right so that you will not suffer later.

There are only two kinds of pain: the pain of regret and the pain of discipline.

The pains of regret are delayed pains. You suffer these pains in the future by not doing things right in the present. But the pains of discipline are the pains of today; you suffer them for doing things right, now, but you will definitely enjoy the rewards later in life. Many today are suffering the pains of regret.

Let’s consider this true experience shared by a lady called Alice, to illustrate the point:

“I met my husband at a time when I was really desperate and anxious about getting married. We got married after a four-month courtship. Things were fine up to a point, but thereafter, the struggles and pains started. I found out, to my dismay that my husband was given to anger and a violent temper. He was also very jealous and uncomfortable with my success, things I never suspected before marriage.

“I was into business before I married and was doing well. He told me that he did not want me to do business anymore, because I was a married woman and it would bring too much attention from men to me. So he closed my flourishing business. I got pregnant eight months into the marriage, but discovered, even after I had my first child, that having a child did not improve the situation.

“Today, I am neither fulfilled nor happy. My husband oppresses me a lot. He talks down at me in public and in front of friends and family. It is even worse now that I am not working and I have to depend on him for everything. He compares me with other women who are working and making money, and he calls me a liability and a lazy woman. Worse still, he has entirely refused to take care of our first child!
“There is no respect anymore and no love, if it ever was there at all. I look at my husband and I look at myself and I wonder how I ever got to this point. We are so different, poles apart in everything!
“Today, I am 32 years old and I see an old woman when I look into the mirror. I am so unhappy. Obviously, the issues that I should have raised before marriage are now my undoing. I was busy preparing for my wedding, but I never prepared for my marriage. (Wedding is only a day- or two-day event, but marriage is an event of lifetime). I realize now that they are two different things entirely. What was I ever thinking to mess up my life this way?
“I am pregnant with the second child. And recently in an angry rage he beat me up in my pregnancy. I am afraid for my life. I do not love this man and I think that I probably never did. I guess I was in love with the idea of getting married than with him. I have decided to move out and raise my children alone…”
Young people must understand that the altar is not the end of marriage, rather the beginning. And there is absolutely no way you can make it successfully in marriage without knowing yourself and your partner. And in relationships, knowledge does not come by gazing into each other’s eyes, fondling with each other and playing on each other’s emotions, but by asking relevant, necessary and informative questions. Your mouth is the tool God has given you to save yourself from future pains and pitfalls. The mouth is not for unholy kissing outside marriage, but for talking, asking questions and for effective communication.
Who you choose to marry will either make or mar you. Unfortunately, a lot of people forsake wisdom because they believe that the solution to a bad marriage is divorce and single parenting. This is even worse because the only thing divorce does is that it makes you exchange one set of problems for other greater ones. Therefore, the wise thing to do is to take care and choose right. For those of you who are yet waiting, please wait some more and get it right. It may appear a long wait for you right now, but I tell you the days and years are longer in a bad marriage.
God desires for you to have peace and enjoy your marriage. He has prepared someone good for you and somewhere in this world is that someone who would be compatible with you spiritually, socially, intellectually, mentally and physically. However, the responsibility of finding this person is yours. It is a serious task but it is not as difficult as some have made it to be; if you know what to look for and how God thinks.
Often times, people have a special desire for a particular person, but if at the end of the day the person you desire cannot walk with you, you will be frustrated. Therefore, God’s intention is not so much about Him giving you your heart’s desire, but giving you who can walk with you. That is why. When choosing a life partner, you must be very prayerful than any other thing. God will lead you but at the end of the day you are the one who would have to choose for yourself; He will not choose for you but only when you allow Him to influence your choice. (Psalms 37:3-9). That is why the Bible says, “He that finds…” and not “God that finds.”
The reason behind this is that your maturity may be tested. Marriage is about two mature people joining as one, therefore if you are not mature enough to choose right; it follows that you would also not be mature at taking right decisions in marriage.
Life is all about decisions. The questions we would be looking at here are designed to help us make a right, matured and spiritual decisions on our marital partner:

1. Who Am I?

Before you can know the person who is right for you, you must know yourself. If you do no know who you are, it would be impossible for you to find the right person to fit you. The Bible asks rhetorically, “Can two walk together except they agree?” (Amos 3:3). It is very vital that you too should have in you the qualities you are looking for in your future partner. For instance, if you want a prudent wife/ husband, you must be prudent yourself or else you will have confusion in your home. Do you want a sincere, faithful and honest/truthful husband/wife; you must be sincere, faithful and honest/truthful alike. Do you want a perfect gift from God? You have to be a perfect gift yourself or else that perfect gift will intimidate you.

2. Am I Obsessed And Committed To The Will Of God?

God’s desire is to affect our entire lives for our own good. His commandments are therefore all embracing. In determining your commitment level, you need to ask how far you are willing to go in walking with God and whether there are areas you consider too sacred for God to touch. Also consider how obedient you are to His Words written in the Bible.

3. Do I Hate Sin With My Entire Being And With A Passion?

Through self examination, one should be able to say whether one abhors sins or there are areas in which one is willing to accept compromises. It is true that no one is perfect, but if you marry someone who compromises and who does not see sin as sin, then you have problems in your hands.

4. Is He/She A Committed Believer Or Christian?

The Lord says that, “Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever…” 2Corinthians 6:14-18. He is the Manufacturer, Author and Maker of marriage and relationships. He alone knows what is best and has given this instruction for our good, peace and bliss. For perfect spiritual compatibility, a Christian (devoted follower of Christ) should choose a Christian, a Muslim should choose a Muslim and other non-Christians should choose non-Christians. If you marry a non-Christian, be ready to be an in-law to the Devil (idols).

5. Who Am I Intellectually?

You must also be able to know your intellectual strengths and abilities, that way you can determine who can agree with you in this regard. Based on your academic accomplishments, you should be able to say whether you are likely to be threatened by your spouse’s intellectual accomplishments or whether you will be able to provide leadership, and in fact enhance her.

6. What Ignorance Would Disturb Me?

Some people are very exposed and well informed about life, social etiquettes, world politics, fashion, current affairs, etc; but others are not. And such ignorance may be irritating; therefore, it is advisable that you look into this area carefully.

7. What Physical And Emotional Qualities Do I Have?

Apart from the spiritual and intellectual knowledge of one’s self, the emotional, sexual and physical aspect is also equally very important. In the aspect of the emotions, you must find out if you are an extrovert or an introvert; if you make friends easily or not, etc.

8. Can I Love This Person For Life?

You need to be sure that this person you have chosen to marry you will live him/her till death separates you, come what may. Matthew 19:3-8.

9. Do I Know The Qualities I Am Looking For In My Intended Spouse?

You must know what you want in an intended spouse or else you could see him/her but not recognize her/him. Possibly list them and let the Holy Spirit guide your listing against selfishness.

10. Does He/She Have Qualities I Cannot Live Without?

A lot of people settle for qualities that they can live with, but this is an error. It is wiser to choose partner with qualities you cannot do without. As we cannot live without air and water, there are some traits/things that we need our partners to have that will make life more comfortable and bearable for us.

11. Can My Intended Complement My Efforts To Fulfill My Purpose In Life?

This is very important, but first of all, you need to identify your purpose. That way you can now tell who would be able to complement you and who cannot. Your spouse must be committed to you as well committed to your purpose.

12. Can I Help Or Allow Her/Him To Accomplish Her/His God-Given Purpose In Life?

If you desire someone who will help you to get to where you are going in life, you should also be willing to reciprocate the gesture.

13. Is He/She Flexible And Understanding Or Rigid And Uncompromising?

You need to have a person who can adjust to your needs. If he/she is not, it is indicative that the choice you have made is a poor one.

14. Am I Proud Of Him/Her?

Can I proudly introduce my intended partner to my family and friends or am I embarrassed to take him/her out to visit people? Can we walk together along the street, sit together in the car or any other public transport means? Am I always excited when people see us together? Can we wear same clothes?

15. Do I Know My Intended Partner’s Strengths And Weaknesses?

Concentrate therefore on knowing the person you are intending to marry rather than indulging in sex, petting or necking as these would create false intimacy, arouse unguided and unguarded emotions and blind you to objective judgments.

16. Am I Ready To Accept Him/Her With His/Her Faults?

You need to decide if you can celebrate your intended partner with all his/her faults and weaknesses. If you cannot, you’ll end up frustrating yourselves. You must understand as you take steps to the altar, that marriage requires unconditional love, an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. In spite of his/her faults, you must love and celebrate your partner in marriage. Therefore, care must be taken to know the faults and imperfections of the person you have chosen to marry.

17. Do I Accept His/Her Friends As My Friends?

If you are uncomfortable with your intended partner’s friends, it is a pointer that you probably do not know him/her enough and you can’t afford to marry a stranger. Marriage will commit you to accepting his/her friends, family and all she/he stands for and show that you have fully accepted him/her.

18. Have We Discussed Our Differences?

You need to discuss those basic things that are very different between you two. For instance, family background, educational background, differences between a man and a woman (physiology, mannerism, characters and traits/habits, etc).

19. Can We Play Together?

Life isn’t all about work, business and all that seriousness. A couple needs to relax sometimes and just play. Do you play together? Can you indeed play together? Can you cope with his/her hobbies?

20. Do We Bring Out The Best In Each Other?

Do both of you encourage and inspire each other to greater heights? How does your presence or intervention affect his/her performance? This is very important.

21. Am I Marrying Him/Her Because I Believe I Can Change Him/Her, Because My Friends Like Him/Her Or My Parents Presses Me To Marry?

It is instructive for you to note at this time that you can’t change anybody. If you don’t like what you see now there is every tendency that it will still not change in marriage. People are unhappy in marriages today because they believed at one point that they could change their spouses.
The list of questions is not exhaustive, but they are pointers to the right direction.

22. Do You Know The Behavior Patterns Of The Opposite Sex?

You have to keep in mind men and women psychological construction is different. Different people process information, react, or even show different traits. Take time a learn what sparks your spouse and how he/she processes information or expresses them selves.
PS: Am taking the steps, learning more, investing time and emotions but one thing for sure is, love is built and not just chance, many will take it for granted while others will take advantage of your kindness. Simply rise above them all and walk away… for you have no time to waste absolutely.
More about Emmanuel Wabwire from his blog:
Emmanuel Wabwire is a Gold Award Winner of the Duke of Edinburg International Award, passionate African Youth Leader and humanitarian who loves community organizing, adventure, technology, reading and movies. He is also, above all else, a God-fearing born again Christian. He has worked in capacity positions such as: CEO of the International Development Students Society (2011-2014), Representative of the African and European Region of the Commonwealth Students Association (2012 – 2015), Guild President Uganda Christian University (2012-2013) and Secretary International Affairs of the Uganda National Students Association (2013-2014). He is currently the Focal Person For Africa Region & Member Partnership and Resources Standing Committee of the Commonwealth Youth Council, Events Manager for the Duke of Edinburgh International Award-Uganda, Chairperson of the Youth UNESCO Uganda National Commission, Director of Faraja Africa Ltd (His Tours and Travel Business) and Program Manager UNDEF Young Women Democracy Project where he works to positively impact the lives of 1500 young girls and women all over Uganda in increasing their participation in Democracy 2015-2016 at CEDA International. He believes in being the change he wants to see in the world.

Now, I (Pauline) would also like to share the perspective below, though I do not believe that Jesus only allowed divorce for the only one reason of fornication and I will speak more on that below this section because Jesus also said that Moses allowed divorce because of hardness of heart.  We are not saying that divorce is a good option here but there are situations where it becomes necessary and we need to try understand the subtitles of these situations.
What Did Jesus Teach About Divorce and Remarriage?
by Praying Medic | Jan 2, 2016 | Blog, Divorce, Remarriage
Among Christians, divorce and remarriage tend to be viewed through a strict lens of biblical interpretation. It’s widely believed that Jesus taught that if a woman who has been divorced remarries—she is guilty of committing adultery.  If you asked 100 seminary grads today how Jesus viewed divorce and remarriage most of them would tell you that this is the position He took.
But is this really what He said?
You would probably arrive at this conclusion yourself if you read most modern Bible translations. The King James is the most common translation used in Bible colleges and seminaries—particularly those with a fundamentalist perspective. No Bible translation is without problems. And although the King James is a respected translation, it is notorious for its improper translation of key words. And sadly, many of these mistranslations have found their way into other translations. Worse, is the fact that these translational errors aren’t usually discussed in Bible colleges and seminaries. So leaders are taught what positions they ought to take, without knowing that their views may be based on a faulty translation.
For the sake of clarity, I’d like to focus on one passage concerning divorce and remarriage. It’s a representative passage that clearly shows how Jesus viewed the subjects of marital separation, divorce and remarriage. If you compare similar passages, you’ll find the same teaching. The first place in the scriptures where Jesus taught on this subject is found in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew chapter five. They key here is that we need to look closely at the words He used for two terms: “divorce” and “put away.”
In verses 31 and 32 of Matthew chapter five, Jesus corrected a common practice of the Jews:
It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. (Mat 5:31-32)
At first glance, the meaning of this passage seems pretty straightforward. Jesus was talking about two different things related to marriage. First he mentioned a practice called “putting away.” He said that there was only one condition for which a man could put away his wife. He went on to say that if a wife were put away for any other reason, the man who did so was guilty of causing her to commit adultery. In mid-sentence he changed subjects and said that if anyone married a woman who was divorced they would be guilty of adultery.
Or did He?
To know with certainty what He actually said, there are a couple of words we need to look at in the Greek text. The first is the word ἀποστάσιον (apostasion) which is nearly always translated “divorce.” This is the last word found in verse 31, but in verse 32 it is conspicuously absent. Instead, the Greek word ἀπολύω (apolyō) is used twice. This word is nearly always translated “separated,” or “put away.” Except for the second time it appears in this verse. And in that case it is translated divorce.
It’s odd that the translators would choose to translate the first instance of this word “put away” and the second one “divorce,” since the words have completely different meanings. Stranger still is the fact that when you look at the context of the passage it doesn’t make sense to translate it this way. The way it’s been translated, Jesus was apparently addressing the subject of wives being put away, but then shifted the conversation to the subject of divorce. If you translate the second instance of the word apolyō to match the first, the passage makes more sense and it takes on an entirely different meaning.
Here is how it would be rendered:
It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is put away committeth adultery.
Do you see the difference?
If we translate the second instance of the word apolyō the way it would normally be translated, the passage flows more naturally. And we can see that Jesus wasn’t addressing divorce at all in this discussion. He was addressing the practice the Jews had of “putting away” their wives, and nothing else.
A little background information on that practice might be helpful:
Under the practice of “putting away” their wives, Jewish men would kick their wives out of the home if they were unhappy with them. No particular reason was necessary and no certificate of divorce was given to them. The wives were still legally married to their husbands, though they were no longer allowed to live with them. In modern culture, it would be like a marital separation. And because the wives were not given a certificate of divorce, they could not legally remarry, although their husbands would usually find new wives. Jesus intended to correct this erroneous practice.
First, He placed a condition on the practice of putting away a wife. He said that it was only for the cause of fornication that a wife could be put away. No other reason was justified. Second, He pointed out that if a man put his wife away without giving her a certificate of divorce, she could not remarry without committing adultery, because she would be married to two men at the same time. Rather than forbidding a woman to remarry after she was put away, He demanded the Jews give their wives a certificate of divorce so they could remarry legally if they chose to. Being a man filled with compassion for those whose marriages had been destroyed, He provided a path to remarriage after divorce.
Mathew 19
There is another passage where Jesus taught on this subject and it needs to be considered. In Matthew chapter 19, the Pharisees questioned Jesus about their practice of putting away their wives. (Matthew noted that they did this to trap Him.) In verse 9 of that chapter, the Lord gave them the same instructions found in this chapter. He even used the same words.
Other Translations
I’m not alone in my view about the best way in which to translate this passage. The American Standard Version (ASV) and Young’s Literal Translation (YLT) both translate this passage the way I’ve described.  I hope this explanation has helped you. If you’ve been condemned for remarrying after a divorce, maybe this will give you comfort. It may take a while for church leaders to see this issue differently. Traditions can be difficult to change. But if the opportunity arises, you might point out the mistranslation and start the ball rolling. Who knows where the conversation will end up.
End of this blog article by Praying Medic
Now, I Pauline, also want to share some work my colleagues who minister from King of Glory Fellowship, USA, have done in regards to marriage and divorce.  These may also be helpful to bring understanding to you on these issues.
Section 36.  Marriage and Divorce:
We believe God created men and women to be equal, and that marriage and family were designed by God to be institutions of love and commitment where the basic needs of each person are provided for. And we believe that in addition to a number of physicals needs these basic needs include emotional needs for love, acceptance, belonging, affirmation, and joy. Marriage and family are not to be places of abuse or neglect, or of pain, cruelty, and torment, or of control and manipulation, or isolation of a person from his or her family and friends or community.

1. We believe God intended for marriage to be:

1. A permanent and committed relationship between one man and one woman (Gen 1:26-27: 2:24; Mal 2:13-16; Matt 19:4-6).
2. A relationship characterized by love as described in 1Cor 13 and Eph 5:25,28-29,&33, and by faithfulness, consideration, submission, respect, rejoicing and happiness (Deut 24:5; Prov 5:18-19; Mal 2:13-16; Eph 5:21-33; 1Pet 3:1-12).
3. A relationship characterized by and demonstrating:

1. The oneness and love of God, who is one (Deut 6:4) and yet who reveals Himself in three persons (Matt 28:19) but with unity of relationship between them. When He made man He said “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness... so God created man in His own image... male and female.” (Gen 1:26-27) Then in Gen 2:24 God said of the relationship between a man and his wife: “they will be one…”
2. And characterized by and demonstrating the oneness and love relationship Jesus Christ seeks to have with us, which is the same as that which He, God the Son, has with God the Father. (John 17:20-23; Eph 5:25-33)

4. The primary source of physical, emotional, social, and spiritual care, nurturing, training, and education and mentoring of children (in every aspect of development of “godly” children) (Deut 6:4-9; Prov 1:8-9; Mal 2:15; 1Cor 7:12-15; Eph 6:1-4) and of one another (1Pet 3:1-12).
5. A very important source of emotional and social fulfillment and the sole source of sexual fulfillment. A strong and good marriage relationship is meant to help fulfill one’s needs and reduce emotional, social, and sexual temptation for both men and women (1Cor 7:1-9). However, it is also good to remain unmarried if one is gifted for celibacy (Matt 19:8-12; 1Cor 7:7-9).
6. A primary unit of society - either as individual married couples or as family units, or as part of larger households or communities - in which the resources for economic provision are acquired, gathered, and shared, allowing for all to receive provision as much as is possible, including children and other dependent individuals, and those who are the primary caregivers for the children and other dependents (1Tim 5:3-8,&16).
7. Beneficial to all, to husbands, wives, children, and society (Jer 29:11).

2. We believe divorce is a necessary allowance made by God.

 We believe it is for all of the above reasons (the introduction and part “A” above) and out of love for everyone’s complete personal wellbeing that God says He hates divorce, for the injustice and violence it does to all (Mal 2:13-16), and He commands all to guard their spirits and be faithful to their spouses, with love, submission, and respect (Eph 5:21-33). However, because of sin and the hardness of human hearts, God made allowances for divorce. We believe this is an indication that to make these allowances was good, because God only does what is right and good. We also note that God even instituted divorce Himself by giving Israel a certificate of divorce for her unrepentant persistence in unfaithfulness to Him, and for her unyielding insistence on leaving Him and going her own way (Deut 24:1; Jeremiah 3:8; Matt 19:3-12; 1Cor 7:12-13,&15). Therefore we believe that both marriage and God’s allowance for divorce are meant to be for our good, to protect and provide for people, and so that we may live in peace – to which we are called (Jer 29: 11; Matt 7:12; Rom 14:19; 1Cor 7:15).
We find these guidelines from the Scriptures especially important to our understanding on divorce:
       1)   Do not try to follow the letter of the law; to do so places one under a curse (Gal 3:10), and following the letter of the law brings death                 (2Cor 3:6b). Rather, seek to follow the Spirit of the Lord, who gives life (2Cor 3:6b).

2. Because man judges by outward appearances but God looks on the heart (1Sam 16:7), it is always important to bring each situation before the Lord to seek spiritual discernment from Him to apply and follow the highest laws of love (Mk 12:28-31; Rom 13:8-10; Phil 1:9-11).

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mk 12:28-31

“[H]e who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law. The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” Rom 13:8-10

3. Recognize that some Biblical commands or instructions are allowances made because of effects of the fall, “the hardness of men’s hearts”, and that must be taken into account in understanding them. Jesus explained about this concerning divorce when He was asked if the law allowed divorce for any reason or only in cases of adultery. Jesus pointed to what was originally intended by God before the fall (Matt 19:3-12). However, we understand in this passage that Jesus also indicated that not everyone will be able to accept it, but those who can do so for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven should follow God’s will according to what He originally intended. Therefore, we believe that as long as it is still true that there is hardness in people’s hearts, accommodations for that will have a place.  Nevertheless, we believe that as people yield to God and His work in their lives, those who are able to, should understand and follow the higher standard of what God originally intended and spoke of.

We believe much blessing can be gained and much harm avoided by applying these scriptural principles in our teaching and practice concerning divorce. Here are some of our conclusions from this search of the Scriptures with these principles in mind:

1. We believe that God recognizes divorce as ending a marriage so that former spouses thereby do become unmarried (Lev 22:12-13; Deut 24:1-4; John 4:17). [*Note by Pauline added: this needs to be a legal process if the marriage was done through a legal process.  If you have been in a common-law marriage, there needs to be a spiritual ritual and breaking of the relationship.]

1. We therefore believe that claims of sexual rights by a former spouse are wrong just as between any other two people who are not married to each other (Deut 22:20-24), and such claims are also often manipulative, controlling, and abusive, which does harm to the other.
2. We therefore also believe that divorce was intended to signify that the door to marriage to another is open (Deut 24:1-4). However, it is understood that generally for believers, repentance and reconciliation with full restoration to a committed relationship in remarriage to each other is to be sought if possible, if it would be good (1Cor 7:10-11).

2. We believe that being in a marriage relationship does not set aside laws of protection of one individual from harm by another. In Malachi 2:16 God says He hates divorce, and He tells the men to guard their spirits so as not to break faith with their wives. However, He does not place the emphasis on how evil it is to ever break a marriage covenant; His emphasis is on the fact that divorce as they were practicing it devalued and harmed the women the men were divorcing and because of its effects on the children.

1. Therefore, we believe spousal abuse and child abuse, such as might cause physical or emotional harm, or cause one to live in constant fear or stress, must not be tolerated. We are called to “live at peace” in the marriage relationship (1Cor 7:12-15, 1Pet 3:1-12), as well as always (Rom 14:19). The quality of the marriage relationship affects all members of a household. And we believe it especially affects the healthy development of “godly offspring”, which is spoken of as being important to God in the discussion on divorce in Malachi 2:15: “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.”
2. So we believe divorce may be appropriate action to be taken in cases of abuse and it may truly be a blessing (Mal 2:16b; Mk 12:28-31; Ro 13:8-10). In such cases it would also be important for individual(s) whose actions may be threatening or harmful to receive inner healing and deliverance or whatever other help is needed until all of the roots of the problem behaviors are fully dealt with and removed, before they consider any marriage or remarriage.

3.  We believe that marital unfaithfulness is generally recognized as grounds for divorce (Matt 19:9). However, we believe repentance, reconciliation, and full restoration to a committed relationship in marriage is the desired outcome to be sought if the roots of the unfaithfulness have been dealt with fully and if it would seem good to both individuals (1Cor 7:10-11).

4. We affirm that believers are to marry believers, not unbelievers (2Cor 6:14). But if a believer is married to an unbeliever, the believer is not to seek divorce for that reason (1Cor 7:12-13). Nevertheless, we affirm that the above paragraphs 2a & b, and 3a; concerning situations where there is unfaithfulness or abuse, do apply.

5. However, we hold that if an unbelieving spouse is not willing to remain with the believer, the believer is to let the unbeliever go and is no longer bound by the marriage covenant to stay married. He or she is free to divorce (1Cor 7:15). Again, eventual full reconciliation and remarriage to the former spouse would generally be the desired outcome if the unbeliever becomes a believer and if neither has yet married another and if it would seem good to both individuals to do so (1Cor 7:10-11).

6. We believe that consensual sexual relations of two unmarried people is sinful, it violates the character and will of God and has harmful or evil consequences (Deut 22:20-24; Eph 5:1-17), and it does not equal marriage, nor must the two then be required to marry each other (Ex 22:16-17). (To marry each other would not remove the guilt of the sin, only forgiveness in Christ can do that.) However, for them to make the covenant commitment of marriage and be united in marriage would generally be the desired outcome if both are believers and if it would be Biblically acceptable and possible for them to marry each other and if it would otherwise seem good for them to do so.

We believe God is not “soft” on sinful motives for thinking of or seeking divorce, because such would lead to harm to others, but we see that He also is not “soft” on sinful behaviors against family members in hurtful situations in marriage, and we conclude that the allowance of divorce because of the hardness of men’s hearts unfortunately is still a necessary allowance under the law of love – until hardness of hearts is gone. We believe that God is going to soften the hearts of believers as His Kingdom advances, even in our day, and divorce among those who are in the Kingdom will decrease accordingly. In some cases it may be that believing spouses in divorce situations will receive gifting to wait indefinitely as long as there is the potential for restoration of a marriage (Matt 19:8-12). We believe that we are not called to make this happen. But we may need to confess, renounce, and repent of some things, and yield to God’s Spirit who is drawing us closer to Himself and filling us with love for God and others.
Section 37.  Biblical Marriage and Sexual Morality and Identity Issues:

1. We believe Biblical marriage is marriage between one man and one woman.

We believe that God created mankind in His image and that He created mankind male and female.  As such He created them different so as to complement and complete each other in making up the fullness of the whole image of God.  God instituted monogamous marriage between male and female. At the creation of man God spoke of “a man… united to his wife,” and He said, “the two will become one…” The marriage relationship is the foundation of the family, the basic structure of human society.  We believe it is in families that seek to love and honor God, and that pattern their lives according to the Bible, that healthy nurturing relationships of love, purity, and protection can best be developed. (Gen 1:26-28; 2:24; & 28:14; Mal 2:15; Eph 6:1-4; 1Pet 3:1-12) Therefore, this church will conduct wedding ceremonies only between an unmarried adult man and an unmarried adult woman, having been naturally born with those genders, and who are members of this church or another like church approved of by the Senior Pastor. - For a possible exception see the next paragraph. - And they must have received counseling prior to any ceremony.
As in all things, but perhaps especially in cases of question or doubt, we believe individual matters of these kinds should be brought to the Lord to seek His word on the given situation (Prov 3:5-6). An example of a case of special question or doubt to consider in this way would be if members of a common-law marriage, monogamous or polygamous, seek solemnization of their marriage.
As a church with an international ministry influence, we will also address polygamous marriage. We believe that where polygamy is legal and a situation of multiple spouses of one person is being addressed in the Church, divorce or separation of all but one partner is *not the solution nor is it scripturally required or desired if there is no other reason for divorce (1Cor 7:17-24). We believe all the reasons not to divorce normally do apply in these situations too. However, we believe it is right and good and clearly scripturally sound and socially desirable practice, for the good of all, and for the Church, not to continue this practice further. Polygamous marriage is outlawed in many countries, as in America. Furthermore, we believe polygamous marriage practices typically block many young people, from the morally protective and socially desirable benefits of monogamous marriage (1Cor 7:8-9) in their youth. Therefore, we do not support the practice and will not marry a person to another, if either person already has a spouse.
We believe homosexuality and many other sexual preferences, orientations, or practices do not provide an appropriate and acceptable foundation for marriage or family life (Gen. 1:26-28; 2:24; 28:14; Deut 24:5; Ps 127:3; Prov. 5:18-21; 1Cor 6:9-11&18; 7:1-9; & chap. 13; Eph 5:21-33; Heb 13:4). An example of another marriage practice we would generally consider as not an appropriate and acceptable foundation for marriage and family life would be adult-to-juvenile marriage.
* As I (Pauline) have talked with some people where polygamy has been acceptable in their cultures in the past, and the person has become a Christian, they have informed me that common practice by the church is to say the person must remain married to the first wife and all others must be divorced and that all children must be provided for.  We agree that all children must be provided for.  These issues are not issues we deal with in USA so if some of you want to reply to this message and share more with me your understanding of how this issue is dealt with effectively in your experience, I would appreciate – again, I do think we need to avoid applying HARD AND FAST rules to each situation, but rather, we must try to discern and understand what is going on in each situation.

2. Sexual Morality and Sexual Identity Issues:

We understand that some people may have fairly strong feelings and tendencies that they did not ask to have, toward such things as sexual addictions, sexual promiscuity, gender identity confusion, being uncomfortable with the gender they were born with, having a desire or compulsion to cross-dress, or experiencing same sex attraction.  And some may identify themselves to a significant degree, either with being the opposite sex from their natural physical genetic sexual identity, or being homosexual.  Each is loved by God just as any other person and we desire to be a fellowship group where no one is looked down on, and where all can know that they are loved by God and by the others in the group, without regard for any of these things.

1. However, we hold that the following actions are contrary to God’s purposes for our lives as sexual beings, male or female, created by Him and in His image: engaging in sexual relations with animals (Lev 20:15-16), incestuous sexual relations (that is with close family members) (Lev 20:19-21), indulging in sexually addictive behavior (Matt 5:27-28), engaging in sexual acts outside of marriage (Deut 22:20-24), cross-dressing (Deut 22:5), having one’s sex organs modified resulting in the reclassification of one’s gender, and having sexual relations with persons of the same sex (Romans 1:26-27; 1Cor 6:9-10; Jude 7).
2. God made each person and He knows all about each one of us, including the nature and source of our sexual motivations and behaviors, gender identity, or sexual orientation issues (Ps 139:1-4&13). He loves each person and welcomes each one to come to Him (John 6:37). He extends mercy and grace, forgiveness, cleansing, healing, and freedom to those who come to Him for forgiveness and help, including for this area of life (1Cor 6:9-20).
3. It is our desire to welcome individuals who come from any of these backgrounds the same as from any background, but we also desire to be of real help to those who are willing to seek to live a changed life by the miracle working power of the risen Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, all are welcome in the church so long as their speech, actions, and dress are appropriate and not sexually suggestive, seductive, demonstrative of a homosexual orientation, or distracting, confusing, or perplexing to others.
4. However, to qualify for membership in this church, each person must choose not to engage in any of these kinds of practices. If they have engaged in any of these things in the past, and if it might be an area of continuing or future potential temptation or compromise for them, they must be willing to turn from those ways and renounce them, and truly desire and seek changes in their heart and life by the miracle working power of the risen Lord Jesus Christ for complete freedom (1Cor 6:9-10, &18; Eph 5:3-5; Col 3:5-10; 1Thes 4:3-7). And He or she will not be permitted to hold office or any position of leadership in the church as long as the motivational feelings or tendencies remain, toward sexual or relationship addiction, sexual involvement outside of marriage, gender confusion concerning his or her genetically determined sexual identity, cross-dressing, same sex dependency relationships, or homosexuality (Eph 5:1-14; 1Tim 3:2).
5. No marriage ceremony, commitment ceremony, or sanctions of any kind between same sex individuals (based on natural genetic sexual identity) will be permitted in the church at any time.
6. Any current church member shall be subject to discipline as set forth in our by-laws who expresses or demonstrates a determination to indulge in sexually addictive behavior, to engage in sexual acts with another outside of marriage, to perform or engage in sexual acts for pay, to have a surgical procedure to change his or her sexual identity from that with which he or she was born, to dress in a manner that gives the appearance of being of the opposite sex, or to pursue a same sex dependency relationship or a more overtly homosexual relationship. Deut 22:5; 22:20-24; 23:18; Matt 5:27-28; 1Cor 6:9-10,&18; Gal 5:19-21; Eph 5:3-5; Col 3:5-10; 1Thes 4:3-7
7. This is not deemed as an indictment condemning the person to a life without the love of God, or a pronouncement against God’s love of such individuals (Ex 20:14; Ps 139:23-24; 1Cor 6:9-20; Gal 5:19-21; Eph 4:17-24; 5:3-5; Col 3:5-6; 1Thes 4:1-8).

Section 38.  Discipline:  We believe in church discipline administered within the church, administered in love and in a spirit of meekness and appropriate confidentiality.  The purpose of such discipline is the restoration of the one subject to the discipline and/or the purification of the church.  The steps of discipline are, 1) one on one private confrontation, 2) private confrontation with one or two witnesses, 3) meeting with the Board of Elders for judgment leading to restoration or separation from the church, and finally, if necessary, 4) exposure of the matter to the congregation. Matt 18:15-20; Rom 16:17; 1Cor Chap. 5; 2Cor 2:5-11; Gal 6:1; 1Tim 5:20; 2John 9-11

Let us pray,

Yeshua, we are still so much attached to our old ways, our human cultural, religious, and tribal traditions – and yet you came to restore things back to how Yahweh intended them to be.  I lift us all before you – this human race and these people you are having me teach.  Forgive us and continue to deliver us from the ways that we harm one another.  Remove our hard hearts and give us hearts of LOVE.  Teach us Your ways and give us supernatural wisdom guided by the Holy Spirit on how to deal with each situation we find ourselves facing.  AMEN

Pauline Burthwick, Minister of Gospel of the Kingdom to the Nations, Teaching, Counseling, Inner Healing & Deliverance Ministry, Certified Communion with God Facilitator Releasing Destiny World Wide, 3505 Westmoor Cir, Moorhead, MN, USA 56560, +1- 701-371-7720

www.releasingdestinyworldwide.org     www.cwgministries.org/certified/facilitators.htm